Last night, in a state of insomnia, I turned to some mindless TV to settle my brain. Unfortunately, my mainstay in the wee hours is QVC, which for whatever reason was not working. I turned to my back-up plan, the Style Network but instead of finding another rerun of Clean House, I found a documentary on eating disorders. Having a history with Anorexia and Bulimia myself, I decided to tune in, certain that sleep would soon follow.
That statement couldn’t be further from the truth. As I watched, I was haunted by my own past. The demons within me, once thought dead, were actually just in a deep, deep sleep and this show, these reminders, were waking it up. Alone with my thoughts, I heard the familiar voice saying things like “you were a poor excuse of an anorexic” and “you could totally do this again if you wanted to”. Sick, I know, but real.
Thankfully, I am in a better place in my life and have little idle time to just be with my thoughts, so I was able to shake my head and the thoughts out of it. But, the experience did take me back to very dark place in my life and rather than bury the thoughts as I usually do, I decided to face my past and take a trip down memory lane.
Fourteen years ago, after the loss of someone very important to me, I found myself in hell. At my worst, I was 5’6” and teetering on 100 lbs, a weight that kept me just out the hospital, yet thin enough (well, not really, an anorexic is never thin enough). So unhealthy, so unhappy, and yet, somehow, the demon can even come visit today and somehow make the idea appealing. I know better but there is still some sadness that exists in not falling back on bad habits in my past life and that scares me.
The realization that the disorder will always live with me has haunted me all day so I decided to come here and write it all down. I know this is supposed to be a site about cloth diapering but I needed a place to vent it out and I had a blank canvas in this blog so I decide to just post it. If nothing else, it gives you a little insight as to who I am and more importantly, how far I’ve come. Thanks for letting me get it out.